In the Same Club

I'm leaving Target. A woman looks very familiar. We are both eyeing each other. I break the silence. "You look familiar."

"Do you work at Otis?" she says.

"Nope."

"Do you have a child who has autism?"

"Yes..." I say hesitantly.

"Oh ok. That's it. We're in the same club."

Not gonna lie... being an autism mom is very lonely.

When other moms get together we compare notes. We stand around, we talk about how Child A did on the ball field, how Child B did during a recent school event, how Child C is doing on homework. I will find myself in these situations. In the hope of wanting to fit in, I will excitedly say "Harrison responded appropriately to a question last night!" The moms turn to look at me, like I am growing vines from my ears. My child's triumphs are different from others. I am not in this club.

One of the hardest things for my family is not the day to day stuff. Harrison's very mildly on the spectrum. He doesn't have meltdowns. He is affectionate. He generally communicates well though you sort of have to know what he's talking about to know what he's talking about.

That's not what keeps me up at night. I worry about him as an adult. Will he be happy? Will he graduate from college with a degree he's passionate about? Will I dance with my son at his wedding? Will I one day be a grandmother?

Will I be in the club?

I once went to an Autism Family Support Group meeting. Where I met the lady I saw at Target. I listened to heart wrenching stories about how Child A didn't potty train until age 6, Child B goes to some type of speech or physical therapy every day after school, Child C didn't say 'I love you' until four years old. I am not in this club.

Thankfully of course. But with a guilty heart. Something akin to survivor's guilt. One of my best friends says it's like being a skinny girl at a weight watchers meeting.

Tonight we went to Pet Smart. As we got out of the car Harrison jumped and screamed at the top of his lungs "I'm so excited to go to Pet Smart." Not the social norm but harmless. He's so excited about life. Beside us a woman and what I assume is her daughter got out of the car. Huge smile on her face. Pretty sure she was not neurotypical. She asked about Harrison and Ellie and hold old they were. She says they're cute. The mom hurries her inside.

Fast forward to checkout. The girl and her mom bought a bird. She talks to Harrison again. She opens her arms for a hug and Harrison happily obliges. As they are leaving the mom and I meet eyes. We are in the same club.